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Sent: Sun, 6 Jan 2002 01:32:29
After having their 11th child, a U.S. Marine and his wife decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger house on their housing allowance. So the Marine went to sick call and told the doctor that he and his wife didn't want anymore children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but due to cost-cutting, the base hospital no longer performed that procedure. The Marine could have it done off base, at his own expense, said the doctor, but it could be very expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Marine said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So, the man went home, lit the cherry bomb, and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works with most soldiers, some sailors, and a few airmen.
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks,
interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists; two men and a
woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door
and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions,
no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife
sitting in a chair. Kill her!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could
never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for
this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out
with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said,
"You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard,
one shot after another. The the agents heard screaming, crashing, and
banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened
slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and
said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the
chair."
The Pentagon recently discovered it had too many generals
and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any
general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus
$10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between
any two points on the general's body, with the general
getting to select any pair of points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the
pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip
of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of
$720,000.
The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from
the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked
out with a check for $960,000.
The third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to
measure, he told the pension man: "From the tip of my penis to the
bottom of my testicles."
The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general
might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two
generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said
that would be fine but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the
measuring.
The Navy medical officer attended and asked the Marine
general to drop em. He did. The Navy medical officer placed the tape on the
tip of the general's penis and began to measure towards his testicles
and then said "My God!, Where are your testicles?"
The Marine general replied, "In Vietnam."
[ Editors note: Thats $760,320,000.00 + the length of his dick in inches converted to dollars ].
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